Return-Path: X-Original-To: info@ausheart.com.au Delivered-To: info@ausheart.com.au Received: from localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 2E6B33FA21 for ; Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:40:34 +1100 (EST) Received: from marlin.fishinternet.com.au ([127.0.0.1]) by localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id 04529-05 for ; Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:40:21 +1100 (EST) Received-SPF: none (marlin.fishinternet.com.au: 202.168.104.11 is neither permitted nor denied by domain of fathersonline.org) client-ip=202.168.104.11; envelope-from=info@fathersonline.org; helo=polyglot.com.au; Received: from polyglot.com.au (udsl-5-011.NSW.dft.com.au [202.168.104.11]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 6F32A3FA19 for ; Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:40:16 +1100 (EST) Received: from server ([192.168.100.14]) by polyglot.com.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.211); Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:44:05 +1100 Thread-Topic: Fathers-Being There Reply-To: Message-ID: <00ea01c5f2ca$247e74f0$0101a8c0@polyglot.local> thread-index: AcXyyiR+hcH1amMHQ++0u9Ojh9L1rQ== From: To: Subject: Fathers-Being There Date: Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:44:05 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_00EB_01C5F326.57EEECF0" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Exchange 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.326 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 26 Nov 2005 20:44:05.0966 (UTC) FILETIME=[2480BEE0:01C5F2CA] X-Virus-Scanned: amavisd-new at fishinternet.com.au This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_00EB_01C5F326.57EEECF0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 169 - 21st November 2005 Go to our website Here * Welcome * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * Media Release * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * About Us Welcome Some weeks ago I received an invitation to speak to a group of fathers and sons at a local school on 'Faith & Fatherhood'. The school had recently entered an interschool football competition and were having an end-of-year father and son football barbecue celebration to cap the season off. I immediately suggested that they ask Paul Osborne to be the main speaker and I would be a supporting speaker. Who is Paul Osborne? Good question. Paul Osborne spent ten years as a professional rugby league footballer, seven years with St George and three years with the Canberra Raiders. In 1994 he played a crucial part in the Raiders winning the Grand Final, setting up one try and putting one down himself. In 1995 he entered the ACT Parliament and spent seven years there as an Independent, most of the time holding the balance of power. Paul has been a commentator with ABC Grandstand for eleven years and regularly appears on the Channel 9 Footie Show. I first met Paul Osborne when I was working in Canberra on the Praise Corroboree, part of the Aboriginal prayer/reconciliation movement in the nineties. We asked Paul, as a politician sympathetic to the cause, to speak at one of our events in Canberra. Paul brought along three of his young boys, aged from about three years to six years (Just for the record Paul has eight children and he tells me number nine is well on the way, although he blames his wife for this misdemeanour). When Paul got up to speak he brought his children to the rostrum and spoke while his children climbed all over him. He explained that he could not find a babysitter and his wife needed a break. Looking at how comfortable he was, and how much 'his boys' enjoyed being with 'dad', one got the impression that babysitters were not very welcome in the Osborne home. A number of times Paul actually stopped his talk to help with his son?s colouring-in book when he was asked. I can remember thinking at the time, 'Some people talk about family values, but here is a man that believes in family values and lives them out in the open'. In 2003 at the inaugural National Strategic Conference on Fatherhood at Parliament House, the Fatherhood Foundation was privileged to give Paul Osborne the 'Fatherhood in Sports' Award. When Paul spoke last week at what became the 'Football, Faith and Fatherhood' night, he told us the background to his match-winning-try in the 1994 Grand Final and his own personal turmoil as a man and father. He admits he was a lousy husband and a not-much-better father and how 1994 marked a faith encounter with God that helped transform his life and make a strong commitment to being the best father and husband he could be for his family. Paul believes that quality time is a lie, and that as a father you have to be prepared to spend quantity time with your children. He takes his children everywhere he goes, although he does say it annoys him sometimes. Paul Osborne admits he is not a 'perfect father' and often finds himself saying sorry to his kids and his wife when he has a cranky outburst or does something wrong. He believes that a father has to be honest about his mistakes and committed to his family's betterment. As such, he is a hard act to follow because his actions tell the story better than his words. Lovework Hang out with your children! Warwick, aren't you going to make it more complicated? No, actions speak louder than words. Hang out with your children! Yours for just 'being there' Warwick Marsh ________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 29 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 24 years to 12 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; the difference is only in the price. Benjamin Franklin back to top Laughter Travel Jokes Just cut your hair first A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's licence and would like to use the family car." Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see." Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?" Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair." Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair." Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went." back to top Single Dads I Just got off the Phone By Tony Miller I just got off the phone from another dad: devastated, crying, sobbing, absolutely gutted. "How can the mother of my children be so hurtful? I don't understand it?, he said between the tears. "I just want to see my kids. How hard is that?? Yesterday I was counselling one of our guys not to react. He was receiving abusive SMSs on his mobile that were particularly distressing to him. Not one but many. He had gone up to the police station and reported it and was told to just ignore them. Change your number, he was told. I wonder, if it had been a woman making the complaint, I reckon he would have an AVO placed upon him before he could dial 000. Sad isn't it, the way our system works! Anyway, here I was telling him not to react. That's what she's looking for, I told him, for you to react. And then the next day I get an email from a woman who said, "When you men can do a tenth of what a mother does for her child, and hold down a job to boot, then get up and say something. Until then, check how you treated your ex-wives and what you can do to be a better husband and keep your aggressiveness to those who are stupid enough to listen.! Well what did I do? I reacted. Lesson learnt! It's this very thing that gets most of us males in trouble. We react. In a lot of cases our ex-partners have learnt where all our buttons are, and exactly how to press them to get the reaction they want. It's how we react to that button pushing that gets us in trouble! I know of many cases where a guy has been pushed and shoved or smacked across the face or kicked in the 'you-know-whats' and his natural reaction is to defend himself. It only takes a shove, a smack and 'bingo', regardless of self defence, you're gone. AVO time! Yet try it from the other angle. Imagine a male walking into a police station complaining of his wife assaulting him. What do you think would happen? They laugh at him. Today is White Ribbon Day which is an International Day for the Elimination Of Violence Against Woman, with the aim of the campaign to include men and boys in the effort to end gender-based violence. In their press statement Unifem and Womenspeak state that men who choose to wear a white ribbon recognise the role they have to play in ending violence against women, and acknowledge that they too will benefit from a world free of violence against women. A world that is based on gender equality. Recently I was told by a dad how his wife had stabbed him several times after being embroiled in an argument, She had threatened to kill him and also the children. Neighbours had heard the commotion and police and ambulance were called. As they were loading dad into the ambulance, he frantically pleaded with police to protect his children. The officers stated that they had settled mum down and that all would be OK. All he could think of on the way to the hospital was, were his kids going to be alive when he got out! What do you think would happen if this story was the other way around and it was mum being loaded into the ambulance! It doesn't take much imagination does it. Six months later this same woman served gaol time for pulling a gun on and threatening to shoot her ex and family. Dads in Distress Inc deplores violence of any kind. We simply state that there are three sides to any story, his, hers and the truth. We try and come to that truth within our meetings. I believe these ribbons should be black and white, because believe it or not the system isn't, and until we get some fairness and some understanding, it never will be. There is pain on both sides of the fence. Yes, there are dads out there that shouldn't be, and believe it or not there are mums in the same category. Violence is perpetrated against both sides and we need to recognise that before we can have gender equality because it's by no means equal at the moment. Being a male and especially a dad in today's society is fraught with danger. Sad isn't it . . . .? Tony Miller dids dids@nor.com.au www.dadsindistress.asn.au back to top Special Feature Family Law Reform 2005 - 1996 Revisited by Ian Windsor I thought readers might be interested in Mr Ruddock's Family Law information session at Parliament House held on 13 October 2005. It was a hard sell on the merits of shared parenting responsibility and the Family Relationship Centres. I must admit that his stirring rendition and those of his ministerial chums failed to enthuse me. The new measures we were told are intended to enable children to continue to have meaningful contact with their fathers after separation and reduce litigation and consequently reduce the need for lawyers. No one could reasonably disagree with this, however some of the glaring problems in the old system have been glossed over and I fear more of the same will plague yet another generation of single dads and their kids. Unfortunately, the proposed changes to the FLA in relation to custody and mediation are a re-iteration of the failed 1996 amendments. The recent changes involve new procedures and changes to terminology but do not address the crucial issue of dads being allowed to share equally in the raising of their own kids. The new system, prima facie, will still require the mother's consent. Instead of hard legislation to correct the inequities and inadequacies of the existing system Mr Ruddock's merely 'hopes' (as we all hope) that parents will use commonsense to make the new system work. Even blind Freddie can see that without disincentives to lessen greed and malice, the system won't work. A parent, acting entirely out of self-interest, can still hijack the system and walk away with the bootie. It appears that Mr Ruddock and his committee still don't understand the term 'rebuttable' in relation to shared custody. He shares the same understanding as the anti-fatherhood movement that the rebuttable presumption of shared custody is 'a one size fits all regime'. In an earlier Radio National interview he cites the case of a sailor from WA who would be treated badly by having shared custody foisted upon him, and by extrapolation, upon all other men whose work and travel would cause lengthy absences from home. Instead his parliamentary committee came up with the 'user friendly' term 'shared parenting responsibility', which is the unworkable model we've had for the last thirty years. Logically, shared parenting mediation for separating parents in the new system, can occur only from a position where shared custody is presumed. Further, if shared custody isn't possible, then it should be rebutted by the parents in agreement and only for good reason, which in all cases must be in the children's best interests. Mr Ruddock's sailor might be a good example here. However, if no good reason exists, then it cannot and should not be rebutted. To accept less than shared custody for no good reason is for a father to abrogate his responsibility for sharing the upbringing of his children. Spitefulness, financial gain, intimidation, lifestyle choice, refusal to get a job or education, and out-dated gender role stereotypes on the mother's part can hardly be considered good reasons for denying the father his responsibility for physically sharing the raising of their children. The only workable solution to the child custody imbroglio is the hitherto rejected proposition in favour of the rebuttable presumption of shared custody. There are no logical, rational, sensible arguments against this proposition because it covers every conceivable contingency including Mr Ruddock's sailor. It would put paid to all the nonsense that goes on when power is given to one parent who then behaves badly causing undue legal expense and considerable anguish to the other parent and children. The paramountacy of the children's best interests, in effect however, makes the final legislation irrelevant. The parent's responsibility is to draw up a parenting plan that doesn't reflect the whims, ideology or hidden agendas of either parent or mediator. Even with the weak shared parenting proposition, good fathers who meet the 'eligibility requirements' ought to be able to make a fair fist of gaining 50/50 custody with a little help and hard work but there is still no certainty. Complex and difficult cases will most likely still require a judicial decision. However, in most cases where a father has assessed his eligibility against his ex-partner, which includes parenting competency, work arrangements, housing and other practical matters, and where no issues exist that would preclude him from equally sharing custody, then he should suggest equal custody at mediation and stick to it. A refusal by the other party resulting in unnecessary litigation should have a cost application made against them which may well act as a deterrent for not co-operating in the first place. Similarly, false and unsubstantiated accusations of family violence and child abuse resulting in unnecessary and costly litigation and anguish should see costs made against the accuser. Family Court judges and Federal Court magistrates in the main are reasonable, decent people. They will listen to sensible arguments and give you what you reasonably ask for. However, you have to ask, and present all the relevant facts. In my experience, intelligent litigants who represent themselves, thereby speaking directly to the judge, do better that those with a lawyer. Incompetent lawyers lose winnable cases. Judges make determinations on the evidence before them. Shoddily prepared and poorly presented cases cause judges to use their discretionary powers when making orders. Sadly, however, I know of too many winnable cases that have been lost by laid back lawyers, and others that were both winnable and well presented which resulted in shocking, wrongful decisions that were entirely contrary to the evidence before the court. Universal acknowledgement of the need for children to have a fully participating father has almost dawned. However, unless good women and men insist on equal parenting responsibilities now, Mr Ruddock's reforms are merely a case of 1996 revisited with a few baubles and name changes thrown in as sweeteners. I'd be interested to get some feedback, but please no horror stories from the past. I'm interested in hearing from recently separated fathers to find out where you are up to in these uncertain times, and if I can help. I am interested solely in helping fathers get their kids as I have been for the past 16 years. Ian Windsor Ph: (02) 6259 1026 Skype: irwinb Email: windsori@optusnet.com.au back to top Thought of the Week My Dad and I hunted and fished together. How could I get angry at this man who took time to be with me? James Dobson back to top Media Release Integrity Alliance - Call for Action MEDIA RELEASE Urgent Call for Government to Implement Mandatory National Filtering of Pornography at ISP Level The Integrity Alliance is a newly formed coalition of groups such as, Advocacy and Relief for Children, the Fatherhood Foundation and the Australian Family Association. These are just a few of the organisations and individuals that are working together to help renew sexual integrity in Australia. Many of these groups met for the first time at the Sexual Integrity Forum, August 2005, Parliament House, Canberra. www.sif.org.au Dr Mary Anne Layden, world renowned authority on sexual abuse, said at the Sexual Integrity Forum, 'There has been a dramatic increase in pornography use in recent years with the internet piping it 24/7 into homes in harder and more pathological forms in a venue children know better how to use than adults'. * Sexual assault has increased by almost 30% since 1999. * Men in prison for sexual assault have doubled since 1988. * 84% of boys and 60% of girls have had exposure to internet pornography. * Dr Michael Schwartz says, 'Sex on the net is like heroin addiction, it grabs people and takes over their lives'. * One American survey found that 56% of aggrieved spouses claim an obsession with internet porn ruined their marriage. * A divorce lawyer said that, 'The computer is the fastest growing threat to marriage I have seen in 34 years'. * Research indicates that 70% of the hits on internet sex sites occur between 9-5 on business computers. * One ISP executive said that it was estimated that 70% of downloaded volumes to households is pornographic. * Evidence indicates that all men who commit violent sex crimes use pornography * One in three girls and one in six boys are the victims of paedophiles. * Child sexual assault is costing Australia at least $7.6 billion per year. * NSW Police Commissioner Ken Moroney says that child sexual assault is a national epidemic Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation said, 'A child is abused every 13 minutes in Australia, 40,000 a year. Two thirds of sex crimes are committed against our children. The explosion of Internet pornography is fuelling the epidemic of child sexual assault. The time has come to draw the line on Internet porn'. Mary-Louise Fowler from the Australian Family Association said, "All other forms of media have government regulation. Why can't the Internet? This is not just about protecting women and children. Men are exploited through pornography as well". Ross Wilson from the Integrity Alliance said, "The time has come for the government to regulate the Internet for the common good of all Australians. Our children are the ones that are suffering. We call on Australians everywhere to contact their local Federal Member of Parliament www.aph.gov.au and insist the Government act now to protect our children". Ross Wilson - Integrity Alliance - 07 3808 9448 - 0411 153 617 - www.integrity.org.au Warwick Marsh - Fatherhood Foundation: www.fathersonline.org 02 4272 6677 - 0418 225 212 - www.sif.org.au Mary-Louise Fowler - The Australian Family Assoc NSW - 02 6383 4242 - www.family.org.au back to top News & Info Public Announcement The Fatherhood Foundation is a strong supporter of White Ribbon Day, 25th November 2005, an international day for the elimination of Violence Against Women. The Fatherhood Foundation condemns violence against women in any way whatsoever and commends the organisers of the day in their efforts to end violence against women. A good father is a gentle man, and a good gentle man is a man that believes violence against women is unacceptable. The Fatherhood Foundation is a harm prevention charity and we believe that the best way to prevent harm is to inspire men to be the best fathers in the world. The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Love is the greatest force in the universe and forgiveness is the handmaiden of love. Perfect love casts out all fear. Having said this, the Fatherhood Foundation is well aware of the gender bias within the court system that assumes that all men are guilty unless proven innocent. Not all men are violent to women. A small minority of men are violent and an equally small minority of women are also perpetrators of family violence. Tony Miller, Dads in Distress, has an excellent article on this subject in the Fathersonline Newsletter - Issue 170, 28th November 2005. The reality is that evil is not a characteristic of a particular gender. As Bettina Arndt says, "No gender has a monopoly on vice". The Fatherhood Foundation is very keen to support equality from all points of view. In August 2005, the Fatherhood Foundation held the first ever 'Sexual Integrity Forum' in Parliament House, which had as its main goal: 'to promote quality relationships between men and women for the purpose of ending the sexual exploitation of women and children in Australia in the 21st Century'. Pornography is exploitative by nature and it demeans women and commodifies sex. The increase of pornography, especially violent pornography on the internet, is causing an increase of violence against women. The Fatherhood Foundation believes that if people are going to eliminate violence against women, they must also work to eliminate and wind back the causes of that violence. These include: pornography, child sexual abuse, alcohol, drugs, family breakdown and fatherlessness. Fatherlessness has been shown to be a significant contributor to violence against women and in society in general. We need to rediscover and teach old fashioned values such as honour, humility, integrity, self control, faithfulness, unselfishness, gentleness and kindness. We need to support and strengthen Australian fathers through fatherhood mentoring courses. Prevention is much better than cure. That is why the Fatherhood Foundation calls on all those who advocate to prevent violence against women to join with the Fatherhood Foundation in their struggle to turn the tide of fatherlessness and the proliferation of pornography that contributes to violence against women. Letters More encouragement for Alby Schultz Dear Mr Schultz I wanted to write and thank you for the work that you do in sticking up for the Fathers who are struggling with the hopelessness of being in the grip of the Family Law Court. I have read a lot about the steps you take to help these men out in the weekly email that I receive from the Fatherhood Foundation. You are a credit to your constituents and a blessing to all those men who have been fortunate enough to give you a call. I have been married for eighteen months and although I don't have any kids myself, I am thankful for the work you do and just wanted to write and say thanks. Warm regards David Richards * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation I've seen your ads on TV over the last few weeks with the girls talking about how much they love their dads - and how much their dads love them back. My dad died about 6 weeks ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. He was beautiful and I miss him like I never imagined I would. I miss so many things about him! - every time I see your ads my heart breaks all over again and I start to cry. I wonder if you might point me in the direction of an organization that is focussed on the grief of losing a dad! I wish your organization every success in encouraging dads across Australia to be the kind of dad mine was!.. Thanks, Loretta * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation. I have been reading many of your emails and noticed that a lot of people have seen your commercials on TV. I live in Melbourne and have not yet seen any of these on the major networks. If you are to be serious about making the public aware of the effects of marriage break-downs and fatherless-ness in our country, we need to make the greater public aware of this. I think that all of our issues are just getting thrown on the back burner again while the government continues on with more important things like, changing our working conditions. How much longer are our children going to suffer because our government REALLY does not give a damn about them? Our children are just pawns for power hungry people such as my ex-wife, and maybe the government might re-open these issues once again when another election comes around just to win the hearts of suckers like us. Joe. * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Father Foundation, Thankyou for everything you're doing in the community to try and broaden girls relationships with their fathers. It's great....except that you're forgetting one thing. Some girls don't have fathers, my best friend for instance. She lost her father when she was little as he died of cancer. I have many other friends with fathers whom have passed away or have left them and that they are unable to have a relationship with. I know my best friend, for instance, cries each time your fatherhood ad comes on. She gets incredibly upset and then gets angry. Think about people like my friend who may get upset by this ad. Please consider everyone and please could you possibly take the ad off television.....some people are less fortunate in ways. Please could you please write back!! This is urgent and you need some realisation. Regards Sarah * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation I was wondering if you realise just how much harm your sickly sweet ads are doing? There are children out there whose fathers don't give a damn about them and it's left to the mothers to comfort these children after these ads. It reinforces that there must be something wrong with them that their fathers don't love them like the fathers in these ads. These are the kids who regularly have their dreams and hopes shattered each birthday and each Christmas when sometimes their only wish is for a visit from their father. They have problems at school when they are the only one who can't tell stories connected with their fathers. Maybe your ads should be directed at these fathers. Show these fathers the faces of their unloved and unwanted children waiting for a telephone call at Christmas or on their birthday and the effect that their selfishness has on these children. Or maybe you should direct your ads at the fathers who think domestic violence is a way of life and that women and children should shut their mouths and cower in the corner. Or maybe you should direct your ads at the fathers who think that alcohol or drugs are more important then feeding or clothing their children. Show reality and solutions instead of sickly sweet ads (reminiscent of the unrealistic happy family TV serials of the fifties and sixties) that make you want to vomit. In all sincerity Michele * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation I have been watching your advertisements on television. I understand the importance of valuing the role of fathers in our lives. I do not have any issues with the advertisements, however in one of them the final message is that "all daughters need a father". My daughter, who is 10 years old, has been upset by this particular message and I promised her I would write to you to pass on her message. She has had no contact with her father since she was a baby. Therefore she does not know him. I wanted him to have the contact but he decided to not have any contact at all. She is very sensitive to not having her father around however, generally copes very well. She has male figures in her life that she looks up to. My daughter has an issue with that particular message because it sends the message to her that she "needs" a father. Because she does not have her father around then she gets the idea that there is something wrong with her because of this message. She said that it would be the same if the message was about mothers because some children do not have their mother around. She does not have an issue with the advertisements themselves - just with that message. I think that the message you are trying to give is a very important one. I hope my daughter has someone around one day that she can refer to as her father. However I cannot guarantee that for her, and in the meantime she is left with her mother only. The last time she saw that message she turned the television off and ran to her room crying. This is how much it has affected her. I thought that it is important that you receive feedback about this as did my daughter. She understands the importance of fathers but questions the fact that she "needs" one in order to be a stable well-adjusted person. This would be the same for mothers. It is important for children to have people in their lives who love and care for them whether they be fathers, mothers, relatives etc. Thank you for your time to read this message. Kathryn back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God It's a pleasure to be your son. I like hanging out with you. It's great to walk in the rainforest together. It's great to be with you when I'm alone, out in the surf on a big day (which is not very often these days). It's great to be with you in the middle of a storm, when the earth shakes at the crack of your thunder. It's great to be with you when I am with my children (your grandchildren) Hanging out doing silly things . . . I can't think of anything better to do! back to top About Us Mission Statement & Help Us! Mission Statement The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families. Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving. That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation. Life is also about relationships. That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation, please mail your cheque or money order to: Fatherhood Foundation PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_00EB_01C5F326.57EEECF0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
Unable to read this email? Please click here
Issue 169 - 21st November 2005 Go to our website Here


Welcome

Some weeks ago I received an invitation to speak to a group of fathers and sons at a local school on 'Faith & Fatherhood'.  The school had recently entered an interschool football competition and were having an end-of-year father and son football barbecue celebration to cap the season off.  I immediately suggested that they ask Paul Osborne to be the main speaker and I would be a supporting speaker.

 

Who is Paul Osborne?  Good question.  Paul Osborne spent ten years as a professional rugby league footballer, seven years with St George and three years with the Canberra Raiders.  In 1994 he played a crucial part in the Raiders winning the Grand Final, setting up one try and putting one down himself.  In 1995 he entered the ACT Parliament and spent seven years there as an Independent, most of the time holding the balance of power.  Paul has been a commentator with ABC Grandstand for eleven years and regularly appears on the Channel 9 Footie Show.

 

I first met Paul Osborne when I was working in Canberra on the Praise Corroboree, part of the Aboriginal prayer/reconciliation movement in the nineties.  We asked Paul, as a politician sympathetic to the cause, to speak at one of our events in Canberra.  Paul brought along three of his young boys, aged from about three years to six years (Just for the record Paul has eight children and he tells me number nine is well on the way, although he blames his wife for this misdemeanour).  When Paul got up to speak he brought his children to the rostrum and spoke while his children climbed all over him.  He explained that he could not find a babysitter and his wife needed a break. Looking at how comfortable he was, and how much 'his boys' enjoyed being with 'dad', one got the impression that babysitters were not very welcome in the Osborne home.  A number of times Paul actually stopped his talk to help with his son?s colouring-in book when he was asked.  I can remember thinking at the time, 'Some people talk about family values, but here is a man that believes in family values and lives them out in the open'. In 2003 at the inaugural National Strategic Conference on Fatherhood at Parliament House, the Fatherhood Foundation was privileged to give Paul Osborne the 'Fatherhood in Sports' Award.

 

When Paul spoke last week at what became the 'Football, Faith and Fatherhood' night, he told us the background to his match-winning-try in the 1994 Grand Final and his own personal turmoil as a man and father.  He admits he was a lousy husband and a not-much-better father and how 1994 marked a faith encounter with God that helped transform his life and make a strong commitment to being the best father and husband he could be for his family.  Paul believes that quality time is a lie, and that as a father you have to be prepared to spend quantity time with your children. He takes his children everywhere he goes, although he does say it annoys him sometimes.  Paul Osborne admits he is not a 'perfect father' and often finds himself saying sorry to his kids and his wife when he has a cranky outburst or does something wrong.  He believes that a father has to be honest about his mistakes and committed to his family's betterment.  As such, he is a hard act to follow because his actions tell the story better than his words.

 

Lovework

 

Hang out with your children!

Warwick, aren't you going to make it more complicated?

No, actions speak louder than words. Hang out with your children!

 

Yours for just 'being there'

Warwick Marsh

________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 29 years. He is
the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in
age from 24 years to 12 years.  Warwick is a musician,
songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he
can still laugh at himself.

back to top

Grandads

Old boys have their playthings

as well as young ones;

the difference is only in the price.

 

Benjamin Franklin

back to top

Laughter


 

 

 

 

 

 

Travel Jokes

Just cut your hair first

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's licence and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, "O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

back to top

Single Dads

 I Just got off the Phone

  By Tony Miller

 

I just got off the phone from another dad: devastated, crying, sobbing, absolutely gutted. "How can the mother of my children be so hurtful? I don't understand it?, he said between the tears. "I just want to see my kids. How hard is that?? Yesterday I was counselling one of our guys not to react. He was receiving abusive SMSs on his mobile that were particularly distressing to him. Not one but many. He had gone up to the police station and reported it and was told to just ignore them. Change your number, he was told. I wonder, if it had been a woman making the complaint, I reckon he would have an AVO placed upon him before he could dial 000. Sad isn't it, the way our system works!

        

Anyway, here I was telling him not to react. That's what she's looking for, I told him, for you to react. And then the next day I get an email from a woman who said, "When you men can do a tenth of what a mother does for her child, and hold down a job to boot, then get up and say something. Until then, check how you treated your ex-wives and what you can do to be a better husband and keep your aggressiveness to those who are stupid enough to listen.! Well what did I do? I reacted. Lesson learnt!

        

It's this very thing that gets most of us males in trouble. We react. In a lot of cases our ex-partners have learnt where all our buttons are, and exactly how to press them to get the reaction they want. It's how we react to that button pushing that gets us in trouble! I know of many cases where a guy has been pushed and shoved or smacked across the face or kicked in the 'you-know-whats' and his natural reaction is to defend himself. It only takes a shove, a smack and 'bingo', regardless of self defence, you're gone. AVO time! Yet try it from the other angle. Imagine a male walking into a police station complaining of his wife assaulting him. What do you think would happen? They laugh at him.

        

Today is White Ribbon Day which is an International Day for the Elimination Of Violence Against Woman, with the aim of the campaign to include men and boys in the effort to end gender-based violence. In their press statement Unifem and Womenspeak state that men who choose to wear a white ribbon recognise the role they have to play in ending violence against women, and acknowledge that they too will benefit from a world free of violence against women. A world that is based on gender equality.

       

Recently I was told by a dad how his wife had stabbed him several times after being embroiled in an argument, She had threatened to kill him and also the children. Neighbours had heard the commotion and police and ambulance were called. As they were loading dad into the ambulance, he frantically pleaded with police to protect his children. The officers stated that they had settled mum down and that all would be OK. All he could think of on the way to the hospital was, were his kids going to be alive when he got out! What do you think would happen if this story was the other way around and it was mum being loaded into the ambulance! It doesn't take much imagination does it. Six months later this same woman served gaol time for pulling a gun on and threatening to shoot her ex and family.

      

Dads in Distress Inc deplores violence of any kind. We simply state that there are three sides to any story, his, hers and the truth. We try and come to that truth within our meetings. I believe these ribbons should be black and white, because believe it or not the system isn't, and until we get some fairness and some understanding, it never will be. There is pain on both sides of the fence. Yes, there are dads out there that shouldn't be, and believe it or not there are mums in the same category. Violence is perpetrated against both sides and we need to recognise that before we can have gender equality because it's by no means equal at the moment. Being a male and especially a dad in today's society is fraught with danger. Sad isn't it . . . .?

 

Tony Miller dids

dids@nor.com.au  

www.dadsindistress.asn.au             

back to top

Special Feature

Family Law Reform 2005 - 1996 Revisited

by Ian Windsor

 

I thought readers might be interested in Mr Ruddock's Family Law information session at Parliament House held on 13 October 2005. It was a hard sell on the merits of shared parenting responsibility and the Family Relationship Centres. I must admit that his stirring rendition and those of his ministerial chums failed to enthuse me.

 

The new measures we were told are intended to enable children to continue to have meaningful contact with their fathers after separation and reduce litigation and consequently reduce the need for lawyers. No one could reasonably disagree with this, however some of the glaring problems in the old system have been glossed over and I fear more of the same will plague yet another generation of single dads and their kids.

 

Unfortunately, the proposed changes to the FLA in relation to custody and mediation are a re-iteration of the failed 1996 amendments. The recent changes involve new procedures and changes to terminology but do not address the crucial issue of dads being allowed to share equally in the raising of their own kids. The new system, prima facie, will still require the mother's consent.

 

Instead of hard legislation to correct the inequities and inadequacies of the existing system Mr Ruddock's merely 'hopes' (as we all hope) that parents will use commonsense to make the new system work. Even blind Freddie can see that without disincentives to lessen greed and malice, the system won't work. A parent, acting entirely out of self-interest, can still hijack the system and walk away with the bootie.

 

It appears that Mr Ruddock and his committee still don't understand the term 'rebuttable' in relation to shared custody. He shares the same understanding as the anti-fatherhood movement that the rebuttable presumption of shared custody is 'a one size fits all regime'. In an earlier Radio National interview he cites the case of a sailor from WA who would be treated badly by having shared custody foisted upon him, and by extrapolation, upon all other men whose work and travel would cause lengthy absences from home. Instead his parliamentary committee came up with the 'user friendly' term 'shared parenting responsibility', which is the unworkable model we've had for the last thirty years.

 

Logically, shared parenting mediation for separating parents in the new system, can occur only from a position where shared custody is presumed. Further, if shared custody isn't possible, then it should be rebutted by the parents in agreement and only for good reason, which in all cases must be in the children's best interests. Mr Ruddock's sailor might be a good example here. However, if no good reason exists, then it cannot and should not be rebutted. To accept less than shared custody for no good reason is for a father to abrogate his responsibility for sharing the upbringing of his children.

 

Spitefulness, financial gain, intimidation, lifestyle choice, refusal to get a job or education, and out-dated gender role stereotypes on the mother's part can hardly be considered good reasons for denying the father his responsibility for physically sharing the raising of their children.

 

The only workable solution to the child custody imbroglio is the hitherto rejected proposition in favour of the rebuttable presumption of shared custody. There are no logical, rational, sensible arguments against this proposition because it covers every conceivable contingency including Mr Ruddock's sailor. It would put paid to all the nonsense that goes on when power is given to one parent who then behaves badly causing undue legal expense and considerable anguish to the other parent and children.

 

The paramountacy of the children's best interests, in effect however, makes the final legislation irrelevant. The parent's responsibility is to draw up a parenting plan that doesn't reflect the whims, ideology or hidden agendas of either parent or mediator. Even with the weak shared parenting proposition, good fathers who meet the 'eligibility requirements' ought to be able to make a fair fist of gaining 50/50 custody with a little help and hard work but there is still no certainty.

 

Complex and difficult cases will most likely still require a judicial decision. However, in most cases where a father has assessed his eligibility against his ex-partner, which includes parenting competency, work arrangements, housing and other practical matters, and where no issues exist that would preclude him from equally sharing custody, then he should suggest equal custody at mediation and stick to it.

 

A refusal by the other party resulting in unnecessary litigation should have a cost application made against them which may well act as a deterrent for not co-operating in the first place. Similarly, false and unsubstantiated accusations of family violence and child abuse resulting in unnecessary and costly litigation and anguish should see costs made against the accuser. 

 

Family Court judges and Federal Court magistrates in the main are reasonable, decent people. They will listen to sensible arguments and give you what you reasonably ask for. However, you have to ask, and present all the relevant facts. In my experience, intelligent litigants who represent themselves, thereby speaking directly to the judge, do better that those with a lawyer.

 

Incompetent lawyers lose winnable cases. Judges make determinations on the evidence before them. Shoddily prepared and poorly presented cases cause judges to use their discretionary powers when making orders. Sadly, however, I know of too many winnable cases that have been lost by laid back lawyers, and others that were both winnable and well presented which resulted in shocking, wrongful decisions that were entirely contrary to the evidence before the court.

 

Universal acknowledgement of the need for children to have a fully participating father has almost dawned. However, unless good women and men insist on equal parenting responsibilities now, Mr Ruddock's reforms are merely a case of 1996 revisited with a few baubles and name changes thrown in as sweeteners.

 

I'd be interested to get some feedback, but please no horror stories from the past. I'm interested in hearing from recently separated fathers to find out where you are up to in these uncertain times, and if I can help. I am interested solely in helping fathers get their kids as I have been for the past 16 years.

 

Ian Windsor

Ph: (02) 6259 1026

Skype: irwinb

Email: windsori@optusnet.com.au

back to top

Thought of the Week

My Dad and I hunted and fished together.

How could I get angry at this man

who took time to be with me?

 

James Dobson

back to top

Media Release

Integrity Alliance - Call for Action

MEDIA RELEASE

Urgent Call for Government to Implement Mandatory National Filtering of Pornography at ISP Level

 

The Integrity Alliance is a newly formed coalition of groups such as, Advocacy and Relief for Children, the Fatherhood Foundation and the Australian Family Association. These are just a few of the organisations and individuals that are working together to help renew sexual integrity in Australia. Many of these groups met for the first time at the Sexual Integrity Forum, August 2005, Parliament House, Canberra. www.sif.org.au  Dr Mary Anne Layden, world renowned authority on sexual abuse, said at the Sexual Integrity Forum, 'There has been a dramatic increase in pornography use in recent years with the internet piping it 24/7 into homes in harder and more pathological forms in a venue children know better how to use than adults'.

 

  •  Sexual assault has increased by almost 30% since 1999.
  •  Men in prison for sexual assault have doubled since 1988.
  •  84% of boys and 60% of girls have had exposure to internet pornography.
  • Dr Michael Schwartz says, 'Sex on the net is like heroin addiction, it grabs people and takes over their lives'.
  • One American survey found that 56% of aggrieved spouses claim an obsession with internet porn ruined their marriage.
  • A divorce lawyer said that, 'The computer is the fastest growing threat to marriage I have seen in 34 years'.
  • Research indicates that 70% of the hits on internet sex sites occur between 9-5 on business computers.
  • One ISP executive said that it was estimated that 70% of downloaded volumes to households is pornographic.
  • Evidence indicates that all men who commit violent sex crimes use pornography
  • One in three girls and one in six boys are the victims of paedophiles.
  • Child sexual assault is costing Australia at least $7.6 billion per year.
  • NSW Police Commissioner Ken Moroney says that child sexual assault is a national epidemic

 

Warwick Marsh of the Fatherhood Foundation said, 'A child is abused every 13 minutes in Australia, 40,000 a year. Two thirds of sex crimes are committed against our children. The explosion of Internet pornography is fuelling the epidemic of child sexual assault. The time has come to draw the line on Internet porn'.

 

Mary-Louise Fowler from the Australian Family Association said, "All other forms of media have government regulation. Why can't the Internet? This is not just about protecting women and children. Men are exploited through pornography as well".

 

Ross Wilson from the Integrity Alliance said, "The time has come for the government to regulate the Internet for the common good of all Australians. Our children are the ones that are suffering. We call on Australians everywhere to contact their local Federal Member of Parliament www.aph.gov.au   and insist the Government act now to protect our children".

 

Ross Wilson - Integrity Alliance - 07 3808 9448 - 0411 153 617 - www.integrity.org.au              

Warwick Marsh - Fatherhood Foundation: www.fathersonline.org  02 4272 6677 - 0418 225 212 - www.sif.org.au                        

Mary-Louise Fowler - The Australian Family Assoc NSW - 02 6383 4242 - www.family.org.au  

back to top

News & Info

 

 



 

 

Public Announcement

 

The Fatherhood Foundation is a strong supporter of White Ribbon Day, 25th November 2005, an international day for the elimination of Violence Against Women. The Fatherhood Foundation condemns violence against women in any way whatsoever and commends the organisers of the day in their efforts to end violence against women. A good father is a gentle man, and a good gentle man is a man that believes violence against women is unacceptable. The Fatherhood Foundation is a harm prevention charity and we believe that the best way to prevent harm is to inspire men to be the best fathers in the world. The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Love is the greatest force in the universe and forgiveness is the handmaiden of love. Perfect love casts out all fear.

 

Having said this, the Fatherhood Foundation is well aware of the gender bias within the court system that assumes that all men are guilty unless proven innocent. Not all men are violent to women. A small minority of men are violent and an equally small minority of women are also perpetrators of family violence. Tony Miller, Dads in Distress, has an excellent article on this subject in the Fathersonline Newsletter - Issue 170, 28th November 2005. The reality is that evil is not a characteristic of a particular gender. As Bettina Arndt says, "No gender has a monopoly on vice". The Fatherhood Foundation is very keen to support equality from all points of view. In August 2005, the Fatherhood Foundation held the first ever 'Sexual Integrity Forum' in Parliament House, which had as its main goal: 'to promote quality relationships between men and women for the purpose of ending the sexu al exploitation of women and children in Australia in the 21st Century'. Pornography is exploitative by nature and it demeans women and commodifies sex. The increase of pornography, especially violent pornography on the internet, is causing an increase of violence against women. The Fatherhood Foundation believes that if people are going to eliminate violence against women, they must also work to eliminate and wind back the causes of that violence. These include: pornography, child sexual abuse, alcohol, drugs, family breakdown and fatherlessness. Fatherlessness has been shown to be a significant contributor to violence against women and in society in general. We need to rediscover and teach old fashioned values such as honour, humility, integrity, self control, faithfulness, unselfishness, gentleness and kindnes s. We need to support and strengthen Australian fathers through fatherhood mentoring courses.  Prevention is much better than cure. That is why the Fatherhood Foundation calls on all those who advocate to prevent violence against women to join with the Fatherhood Foundation in their struggle to turn the tide of fatherlessness and the proliferation of pornography that contributes to violence against women.

 

Letters

 

More encouragement for Alby Schultz

 

Dear Mr Schultz

 

I wanted to write and thank you for the work that you do in sticking up for the Fathers who are struggling with the hopelessness of being in the grip of the Family Law Court.  I have read a lot about the steps you take to help these men out in the weekly email that I receive from the Fatherhood Foundation.  You are a credit to your constituents and a blessing to all those men who have been fortunate enough to give you a call.  I have been married for eighteen months and although I don't have any kids myself, I am thankful for the work you do and just wanted to write and say thanks.

 

Warm regards

David Richards

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I've seen your ads on TV over the last few weeks with the girls talking about how much they love their dads - and how much their dads love them back.

 

My dad died about 6 weeks ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. He was beautiful and I miss him like I never imagined I would. I miss so many things about him! - every time I see your ads my heart breaks all over again and I start to cry. I wonder if you might point me in the direction of an organization that is focussed on the grief of losing a dad!

 

I wish your organization every success in encouraging dads across Australia to be the kind of dad mine was!..

 

Thanks,

 

Loretta

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Fatherhood Foundation.

I have been reading many of your emails and noticed that a lot of people have seen your commercials on TV. I live in Melbourne and have not yet seen any of these on the major networks. If you are to be serious about making the public aware of the effects of marriage break-downs and fatherless-ness in our country, we need to make the greater public aware of this. I think that all of our issues are just getting thrown on the back burner again while the government continues on with more important things like, changing our working conditions. How much longer are our children going to suffer because our government REALLY does not give a damn about them? Our children are just pawns for power hungry people such as my ex-wife, and maybe the government might re-open these issues once again when another election comes around just to win the hearts of suckers like us.

Joe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Father Foundation,

 

Thankyou for everything you're doing in the community to try and broaden girls relationships with their fathers. It's great....except that you're forgetting one thing. Some girls don't have fathers, my best friend for instance. She lost her father when she was little as he died of cancer. I have many other friends with fathers whom have passed away or have left them and that they are unable to have a relationship with. I know my best friend, for instance, cries each time your fatherhood ad comes on. She gets incredibly upset and then gets angry. Think about people like my friend who may get upset by this ad. Please consider everyone and please could you possibly take the ad off television.....some people are less fortunate in ways. Please could you please write back!! This is urgent and you need some realisation.

 

Regards

Sarah

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I was wondering if you realise just how much harm your sickly sweet ads are doing?

 

There are children out there whose fathers don't give a damn about them and it's left to the mothers to comfort these children after these ads. It reinforces that there must be something wrong with them that their fathers don't love them like the fathers in these ads. These are the kids who regularly have their dreams and hopes shattered each birthday and each Christmas when sometimes their only wish is for a visit from their father.

 

They have problems at school when they are the only one who can't tell stories connected with their fathers.

 

Maybe your ads should be directed at these fathers. Show these fathers the faces of their unloved and unwanted children waiting for a telephone call at Christmas or on their birthday and the effect that their selfishness has on these children.

 

Or maybe you should direct your ads at the fathers who think domestic violence is a way of life and that women and children should shut their mouths and cower in the corner.

 

Or maybe you should direct your ads at the fathers who think that alcohol or drugs are more important then feeding or clothing their children.

 

Show reality and solutions instead of sickly sweet ads (reminiscent of the unrealistic happy family TV serials of the fifties and sixties) that make you want to vomit.

 

In all sincerity

Michele

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I have been watching your advertisements on television. I understand the importance of valuing the role of fathers in our lives. I do not have any issues with the advertisements, however in one of them the final message is that "all daughters need a father". My daughter, who is 10 years old, has been upset by this particular message and I promised her I would write to you to pass on her message. She has had no contact with her father since she was a baby. Therefore she does not know him. I wanted him to have the contact but he decided to not have any contact at all. She is very sensitive to not having her father around however, generally copes very well. She has male figures in her life that she looks up to.

 

My daughter has an issue with that particular message because it sends the message to her that she "needs" a father. Because she does not have her father around then she gets the idea that there is something wrong with her because of this message. She said that it would be the same if the message was about mothers because some children do not have their mother around. She does not have an issue with the advertisements themselves - just with that message.

 

I think that the message you are trying to give is a very important one. I hope my daughter has someone around one day that she can refer to as her father. However I cannot guarantee that for her, and in the meantime she is left with her mother only.

 

The last time she saw that message she turned the television off and ran to her room crying. This is how much it has affected her.

 

I thought that it is important that you receive feedback about this as did my daughter. She understands the importance of fathers but questions the fact that she "needs" one in order to be a stable well-adjusted person. This would be the same for mothers. It is important for children to have people in their lives who love and care for them whether they be fathers, mothers, relatives etc.

 

Thank you for your time to read this message.

Kathryn

back to top

Dad's Prayer

 

Dear God

 

It's a pleasure to be your son.

I like hanging out with you.

It's great to walk in the rainforest together.

It's great to be with you when I'm alone,

out in the surf on a big day

(which is not very often these days).

It's great to be with you

in the middle of a storm,

when the earth shakes at the crack of your thunder.

It's great to be with you

when I am with my children (your grandchildren)

Hanging out doing silly things . . .

I can't think of anything better to do!

back to top

About Us

Mission Statement & Help Us!

Mission Statement

The Fatherhood Foundation is a charitable, non profit incorporated association with a goal to inspire men to a greater level of excellence as fathers, by encouraging and educating them, thereby renewing and empowering families.

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation believes that the key to life is giving.  That's why this newsletter is given freely without expectation.  Life is also about relationships.  That's what being a good father is all about, developing relationships with your loved ones.
 
If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation,
please mail your cheque or money order to:
Fatherhood Foundation
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend.  If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading.

back to top


------=_NextPart_000_00EB_01C5F326.57EEECF0--