X-Symantec-TimeoutProtection: 0 Return-Path: X-Original-To: info@fathersonline.org Delivered-To: info@fathersonline.org Received: from localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 0BF72E6ABF for ; Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:02:01 +1100 (EST) Received: from marlin.fishinternet.com.au ([127.0.0.1]) by localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id 20655-07 for ; Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:01:44 +1100 (EST) Received-SPF: none (fathersonline.org: No applicable sender policy available) receiver=marlin.fishinternet.com.au; identity=mfrom; envelope-from="info@fathersonline.org"; helo=ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net; client-ip=203.16.214.140 Received: from ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net (ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net [203.16.214.140]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 1F2A8E6ABC for ; Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:01:40 +1100 (EST) Received: from eth5890.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net (HELO polyglot.com.au) ([59.167.240.1]) by ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net with ESMTP; 27 Feb 2007 15:31:34 +1030 X-IronPort-AV: i="4.14,223,1170595800"; d="scan'208,217"; a="94180778:sNHT6182200514" Received: from server ([192.168.1.10]) by polyglot.com.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.1830); Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:01:49 +1100 Thread-Topic: Love & Forgiveness Reply-To: Message-ID: <1597d01c75a2c$6366c990$0a01a8c0@polyglot.local> thread-index: AcdaLGNkDkMEDwCcT924CSAmvxARFg== From: To: Subject: Love & Forgiveness Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:01:49 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_1597E_01C75A88.96D74190" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Exchange 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.2826 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 27 Feb 2007 05:01:49.0625 (UTC) FILETIME=[63693A90:01C75A2C] X-TM-AS-Product-Ver: SMEX-7.2.0.1122-3.6.1039-15016.001 X-TM-AS-Result: No--13.098500-5.000000-31 X-Virus-Scanned: amavisd-new at fishinternet.com.au X-NAS-BWL: Found match for 'info@fathersonline.org' on the allowed list (2220 addresses, 0 domains) X-NAS-Classification: 0 X-NAS-MessageID: 9954 X-NAS-Validation: {FF825B7A-B161-40BD-90F8-3582DAE91A1E} This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_1597E_01C75A88.96D74190 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 236 - 26 th February, 2007 Go to our website Here * Hello Alison * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Hello Alison In this week's Single Dad's article Tony Miller continues his story about his trip through Europe. This week is about his visit to Birkenau Concentration Camp in Poland. Don't read it unless you wish to be moved. Tony's article last week hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? Just a simple story of a dad with his son on a train journey through Europe, the same train line used by the Germans to transport their victims to the gas chambers in Birkenau. Why is it so moving and what is its relevance to our journey. How does Tony's story help us to do the journey of being a dad better? Firstly, the level of self-disclosure that Tony engages in is almost too much for the average bloke. Tony tells us the truth about how he is feeling and trying to cope. He is trying to reconnect with his son after many years of 'not connecting' and he is finding it very difficult. Being a dad is difficult for all of us at times. I was recently sharing with one of the teachers at my daughter's school how my 14 year old daughter sometimes doesn't want to be seen with me. She doesn't like to hug in public and at times deliberately distances herself from me. He just smiled and said, "Isn't she over the teenage hump yet?" I replied, "Whatever it is, I hope she gets over the 'hump' soon as it is ruining my ego. It's worse for me because I'm supposed to be running the Fatherhood Foundation and have a 'really together' family!" We all experience difficulties with our children. Tim Hansel says, "It takes time to be a good father. It takes effort - trying, failing and trying again." C D Williams said, "You don't need to be right all the time. Your child wants a man for a father, not a formula. He wants real parents, real people, capable of making mistakes without moping about." Our children want us to be real more than anything else. In many ways many of the feminists have a point about patriarchy being the root cause of much of the wrong in the world today. In the old days dad was always right even when he was wrong. This attitude gave patriarchy a bad name and produced enumerable hurts, disappointments and betrayals. Most lesbian women have been betrayed or neglected by the patriarch of their life. If you are a regular reader of this newsletter you will know that fatherlessness is associated with a long list of social problems: increased criminal activities, drug addiction, sexual abuse, increased levels of poverty, lower educational performance, increased mental problems etc. The good news is that when fathers become real and admit their faults, even to their own children, healing can come. It's very hard to be healed unless we first admit we are ill. This leads me to my next point: Secondly, as fathers we must admit our weaknesses in order to open the door for forgiveness, not only for ourselves but for others. Forgiveness is a profound ability that is in desperately short supply. As Tony Miller said last week in the Single Dad's article: Anyway, I am just a dad trying to impart a lesson, something I guess to leave behind me. I am just a dad, and dads should show their young the way. I haven't been a great example in the past, maybe I can make up some time on this trip. Only the future knows. Tomorrow we head for Auschwitz, Birkenau, and it is there I wish to pay my respects to those who went through its gates and those who didn't make it. It is also where I want to find forgiveness in my heart for those who perpetrated those terrible crimes. Sounds strange doesn't it? But that's also the lesson I wish to impart to my boy. Forgiveness, often it's a very hard ask, none-the-less, you cannot move forward unless you can find it. Lovework Do you want to move forward? Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive those who hate you. Forgive those who have betrayed you. Start with your family members and gradually work out. Then teach the process of forgiveness to your children. If you do you will find the journey lighter and easier. Why carry someone else's sins? If you're anything like me you have enough of your own to carry. Yours for more forgiveness Warwick Marsh PS. Please consider attending the National Solemn Assembly to pray for an end to the drought in Australia. Just for the record, one of the key themes at this gathering will be releasing forgiveness and being forgiven on behalf of the nation. Healing comes to a nation by the same process. Currently I am one of a few faces on a national TV advert encouraging people to come to Canberra for the National Solemn Assembly, 9-11 March, 2007. More details in the News & Info section. ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads Wisdom from a Sage by Neil E Ryan 'In the last decade of my working life I went through 4 divorces.' This statement sure grabs attention. 'Not you! They say.' No! not I. However, four men in their late 30's to early 40's all confided in me concerning the trauma they experienced resulting from the 'breakdown of their marriages'. In passing, let us try to avoid this latter expression. It is not marriages that break down but the relationship between the couple in the marriage. But to blame ourselves is not the fashion of the age. Each of these men endured great financial hardship but most of all, emotional trauma and dramatic character changes. In two cases they were also shattered by the untimely tragic death of teenage children. Only in one case was suicide confirmed. This young man could not come to grips with his mother experimenting with lesbian relationships. Sharing unofficial counselling periods with each of these men I soon discovered one common factor which contributed to the breakdown of their relationship with their respective spouses. They each came to recognise that they failed to demonstrate affection toward their wives. They were quite proud of their ability to provide materially, but finally agreed that they were incapable of expressing affection; also called an ability to cherish. The fundamental cause seemingly was that in their own upbringing their own fathers failed to express love and acceptance of them and in fact their own fathers, failed to show affection to their mothers. This is but a brief outline of four sad stories. During the course of our counselling I was able to encourage each to learn from, and forgive, the failures shown by their own fathers. This was indeed a turning point for each as they also forgave themselves. They each remained separated from their wives but developed a new appreciation of the fundamental 'glue' of marital relationship. Now I am totally convinced that the greatest gift any father can give to his children is the demonstration of affection and love they SHOW toward their children's mother. Neil E. Ryan back to top Laughter While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" back to top Single Dads Birkenau By Tony Miller I am standing in mud, staring through a barbed wire fence into Birkenau Concentration camp. I can hear the voices of numerous tour operators describing in a myriad of languages, what happened here to their clients. I felt sick and moved away to a quieter position. Everywhere I had visited here, the tourists looked like a nest of hungry birds waiting to be fed by their mother the gruesome details of what had happened. Was I any different? No, not really. I had heard all the stories, read lots of books, watched many docos and movies on the subject. But nothing, nothing really prepares you to be standing right there. I and my son had followed earlier in line with the rest, marching from one building to the next, listening to our Polish tour guide roll out the numbers and the gruesome details as if she had spoken them so many times they no longer meant anything to her. I became more interested in her then what she spoke, and found myself listening but also looking for signs of life from her. Was it just that she had spoken about the atrocities that occurred here so often that it now meant nothing to her, or was it that she felt disgust at us, the tourists, hanging off every gruesome detail that was spoken, happily snapping away our cameras to record our gory trip? Each of us wanting to take home some sort of trophy to show our friends or family. Her voice became sort of melodic with no expression or feeling. Until we came to one particular room where she said her grandmother had been an inmate here, it was there that I felt her pain, just softly, but I caught it in her eyes. Many people in Poland do work that we would find repugnant in Australia. Life is tough here and you take what you can. Most work long hours for little money. It is about survival, not so much choice. I wondered, did she enjoy her job? Or was it something she had to endure, or maybe like me she was trying to pass a memory on. Besides all this I saw many people visibly shaken, some wiped tears from their eyes as we filed pass whole rooms filled with human hair shaved from the heads of men, women and children and used to make blankets etc, rooms full of suitcases, glasses, children's clothes etc and one filled with shoes. I turned to my son and said each pair represents a life lost here. Many of us made the sign of the cross as we passed these. As I stood there on my own, staring through this barbed wire fence, I prayed, simply asking the Lord to never let this happen again and to imprint this lesson in my son's heart and mind. I had pulled my son aside earlier and said to him that long after I am gone, I hope you remember this day, and I want you to tell your children of this terrible place and of what you have seen here today. Tell them it was their grandfather's wish that this should not be forgotten, so that this never happens again... man's inhumanity to man... But please, please teach them also about forgiveness, for if you cannot forgive you cannot move forward. It will eventually eat you from the inside out. It is like a sore that never heals. Please pass this lesson from me to them. My lesson had a two-fold meaning. Secretly I had hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive a father who wasn't much of a father in his youth. I trust in GOD to deliver that lesson when HE is ready. My son and I did the tour mostly in silence. He took no photos. He spoke few words. The surroundings said it all, there was no need for words, no need for photos. It will forever be imprinted in our memories. Just before leaving as I stood before this barbed wire fence surrounding the camp staring at the railway line, which was used to transport these poor souls to this terrible place, I turned and made the sign of the cross one last time. In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Spirit, please forgive us. Tony Miller Founder Dads in Distress www.dadsindistress.asn.au back to top Special Feature Watching You A song by country music performer Rodney Atkins has been number 1 for four weeks now, and it carries a powerful message for dads. Atkins, 37, wrote it after a sobering experience when his son, Elijah, repeated some behavior he'd seen in his dad. See how Atkins told the story in the video for his song, 'Watching You .' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqYUns2YQik Occasionally we catch glimpses of our children imitating our behavior. It can be very cute, or it can be a staggering, frightening experience. A toddler tries to do push-ups on the living room floor, just like his dad. He grabs his plastic razor and strains to see the mirror as his dad is shaving. Then, they are in the car together, caught in a traffic jam, and the boy shouts, 'Move it, people!..or something worse. Older children will be less obvious, and it may take longer before we see them copying us, but the imitation is just as real. Only now, the stakes are higher: they're making moral choices, forming lasting relationships, perhaps dating, driving, and making decisions about what they want to pursue in life. Modeling is where our true influence as fathers shows up, because important values are caught more than they are taught. Children learn more from watching our lives than from listening to what we say. Each day, in hundreds of ways, we communicate to our kids, 'Follow me.' This presents both a dilemma and an opportunity. It's a dilemma because our children will use our lives as reference points, for better or worse, by design or by default. It's also an opportunity to be intentional about demonstrating for our children what a responsible, calm, caring, self-sacrificing father is like. WHAT TO MODEL - Part 1 Emotional Maturity Ron was in the back yard, cranking on his fourteen-year-old lawn mower. After so many years and so many repairs, the old beast just wouldn't start. Ron's frustration mounted. After cranking and cranking for several more minutes, Ron accidentally brushed his hand against the pull cord, which was so hot it burned him. In his frustration, he gave the mower a swift kick. As he stood there stewing in emotion, he heard someone behind him. There was his two-year-old son, pushing his plastic lawn mower. Sure enough, the boy reared back and kicked that little mower, just like his dad. Emotional maturity is among the most important qualities in life, and your children, especially your sons, learn by watching you. Too many dads hide their emotions, perhaps thinking they are a sign of weakness. If they do show an emotion, it's usually anger. Maybe they were raised in homes where feelings were rarely discussed, certain topics were forbidden, and family members rarely said 'I'm sorry? or 'I love you.' But we need to learn to express emotions in healthy ways-whether we cry over a loss, maintain control during frustrations, or celebrate an achievement. Our kids need to see that vital part of who we are. And even when we lose control emotionally, those can be positive times if we take time to go to our children, confess that we were wrong, apologize, and talk about better ways to handle emotions. Respect for Women Mark is a young father who learned a valuable lesson about the powerful impact his words and actions have on his child. One day, a ten-year-old neighbor boy told Mark that he had a new girlfriend. What was Mark's next question? That's right: 'Is she pretty'? It seemed harmless at first, but as Mark thought about it, he realized that in that brief conversation he had classified the girl's appearance as more important than a dozen character traits that actually have much higher value. Sons get most of their ideas about relating to women from their dads. With that in mind, ask yourself: What am I demonstrating for my son? You don't want him to value women only for their appearance, but are your words and actions contradicting that? Even at a very young age, your son will soak up your habits. Sometimes boys show disrespect for women in other ways: they may manipulate their mothers, rebel against their teachers, and be very insensitive to their sisters. They may 'play hardball' to get their way. So, teaching a son to respect women includes doing what's necessary to help him control his aggressiveness. He needs to know that Dad plays hardball, too - not with physical or verbal abuse, but with a firm resolve to confront him and hold him accountable for his disrespect. We dads must demonstrate and defend the notion that women are to be valued for their fascinating character, their integrity, and the feminine traits that complement our masculine approach. With a daughter, try thinking of your modeling as training to help her spot counterfeits. A good way to teach people to spot counterfeit bills is to make them very familiar with the real thing. If they have a detailed awareness of the authentic, they are able to spot a counterfeit right away. As a father, it's your responsibility to be that 'real thing' as your daughter learns to relate to boys. Even as a young girl, she's trying to figure out men, and you're her closest and best example of one. What's appropriate? How will men respond when she flirts for attention? As her father, you play a large role in showing her what a proper, respectful response sounds and feels like. Without that model, she may not know what to expect from men. She may not be able to see through the irresponsible, insensitive, dishonest men she meets along the way. She needs lots of your attention, affirmation, and healthy physical affection. But make it clear that she has won your heart because she is a fascinating and worthwhile person. Show her that there are men who are consistent, trustworthy, and sensitive to her needs. Integrity As fathers, we're always on camera. Our children's movie cameras capture scenes and sounds that they replay and relive again and again. With our character and integrity, we can never yell, 'Cut!' and do it over. We can't hide the truth from our families, and that should put some pressure on us. Our 'walk' needs to be consistent with our 'talk.' We need to be careful about keeping our promises. If we teach our children to value honesty, can we ask them to tell someone on the phone that we aren't there? If we work to instill a respect for authority, is that consistent with the radar detector on the dashboard? If we lament the rise in teenage pregnancies and preach abstinence, can we still watch the popular TV show where premarital sex is expected and even cheered? Can we tell our children to respect their elders and then bad-mouth our in-laws? Modeling integrity is a full-time, lifelong job. Dad, what are you modeling for your kids-through your action or inaction? Maybe a better question is, Are you willing to make permanent lifestyle changes to make sure you're sending a consistent message? Is it too much to ask you to give up your favorite TV show or get rid of the radar detector? These may not seem like big issues now, but realize that your modeling lasts many years for your child. Someday your son or daughter will be faced with important life decisions. How can he defend truth if he hasn't seen truth in action? When your daughter is confronted with some wild philosophy at college, will she think, 'What would my dad do?' and make a wise choice! Or, will she think, 'Well, dad said this, but he usually did something else?' Disciplining our children is another common test in this area. We want to produce self-disciplined, confident people who make wise choices, take responsibility for their actions, and proactively work to fix their problems. But often, our own methods work against that goal. We may explode at our kids for not having self-control, or yell at them for not being respectful. A big part of disciplining children is demonstrating the behavior we expect from them-showing them that the right way is more worthwhile and fulfilling than the alternatives. Our inconsistency plants seeds of confusion and exasperation in our children. They are depending on us to be models of integrity. Next week - How to Model Ken Canfield _______________________________________________________ Ken was Past President and Founder of the National Center for Fathering www.fathers.com back to top Thought of the Week Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Jesus - Luke 23:24 www.biblesociety.com.au back to top All You Need is Love IT'S TIME FOR A MARRIAGE CHECKUP by Borden Black Feb. 13, 2007 Ledger-Enquirer, Columbus Georgia You change the oil in your car every 3,000 to 5,000 miles and you have regular dental checkups; but how often do you evaluate or "check on" your marriage? Licensed marriage and family therapist Mary Ellen Connett contends not often enough. "If you don't water a plant, it will die," she points out. "The same is true for marriage. There are serious consequences for neglecting a relationship." In the early 1990s, The Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy recommended couples get an annual marriage check-up. Connett is suggesting that Valentine's Day is a good time to do that. (Editor's Note: or set aside time around your anniversary to have a marriage check-up) "What better way to express your love and concern?" she asks. University of Washington researchers found they could predict if a couple would stay together based on a number of indicators. The project, conducted by professor emeritus John Gottman, Ph.D., followed couples over a 7 to 9 year period and could predict with 87 percent accuracy, which marriages would stay together, and which ones would dissolve. Gottman has developed indicators of why marriages succeed or fail that Connett subscribes to. One of the most important she believes is the "rule of five." "It takes five positive interactions to counteract the damage of one negative interaction, such as blame or criticism," she relates. There are many ways to show positivity according to Gottman. They include: showing interest, being affectionate, showing you care, being appreciative, showing concern, being empathetic and being accepting. While the balance between negativity and positivity seems to be one of the main factors in a successful marriage, there are also four predictors for failure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, or the complete cut-off of the other person. Gottman writes in his book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," that long-term marriages contain an abundance of love and respect. Connett suggests a self-quiz that can help you determine if these fundamentals are present in your relationship. TAKE THE QUIZ: IS THERE ENOUGH LOVE AND RESPECT IN YOUR MARRIAGE? The following quiz developed by John Gottman and adapted by Mary Ellen Connett, is to be taken by you and your spouse. Answer "yes" or "no" to each statement based on whether you mostly agree or disagree. 1. My spouse seeks out my opinions. 2. My spouse cares about my feelings. 3. We are affectionate toward one another. 4. We listen to each other. 5. What I say counts. 6. I love spending time with my partner. 7. We are very good friends. 8. My spouse finds me physically attractive. 9. I feel included in my partner's life. 10. We touch each other a lot. 11. We respect each other's ideas. 12. Even during tough times we can be empathetic. Scoring: If you checked "yes" to fewer than 4 items, then you may not feel enough love and respect in your marriage and you may want to seek a check up. Professionals point out that the average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems; so they often live with unhappiness for far too long. Connett says marital relationships can definitely improve. She likens it to an illness; if the problems are ignored, they will get worse. If both partners are committed, they can work towards changing their relationship for the better. back to top News & Info HEART DISEASE FACTS Cardiovascular disease (CVD) is the term used for heart, stroke and blood vessel diseases. CVD is the leading cause of death in Australia, accounting for 38% of all deaths in 2002; claiming the lives of more than one in three Australians. CVD is Australia's largest health problem. Despite improvements over the last few decades, the health and economic burden of CVD exceeds that of any other disease. Coronary heart disease is the greatest single cause of death among Australians and stroke is the second largest. HEALTHY LIFESTYLE 'Stress' and Coronary Heart Disease People often ask if there is a link between 'stress' and heart disease. The term 'stress' has no exact meaning, so it is difficult to measure its effect on heart disease. However it has recently been shown that people who experience depression, are socially isolated or do not have quality social support are at greater risk of developing coronary heart disease. From the Heart Foundation www.heartfoundation.com.au _______________________________________________________ Letters Dear Fatherhood Foundation, Child Support reform may reduce unemployment. Why does BHP Billiton propose to import 2,500 foreign workers for its $2 billion Pilbara expansion? Is it because Australians are not interested? Is it because there is a skills shortage? Or is it because of some other reason? One of these reasons could be the Australian Government?s Child Support Scheme. It is a bureaucratic nightmare. In 2005, at least 294,887 liable parents for child support were forced in either unemployed or into below-taxable income levels. This is 40.5 per cent of the total number of liable parents. The situation has not changed since that time. Prior to 1989, the level of child support had been determined in Australia on a case-by-case basis. In 1989, Australia adopted the US's Wisconsin's child support guidelines. They were designed for low-income families. They were formula-driven and were based on the separated parents' incomes. They were meant to result in income sharing between custodial parents and the non-custodial parent, who had low incomes. Perhaps as a result of a political agenda at the time, this bureaucratic formula approach was then applied in Australia to both welfare and non-welfare recipients. Both low and high-income earners were hit hard by this new Scheme. As a result, the Child Support Scheme now only delivers an average weekly amount of $41.39 to children of separated families. This is substantially less than the $48.64 they received prior to the establishment of the Scheme (all based at 2005 figures). This is despite rigid policing by the Child Support Agency. Real change to our child support legislation would give many unemployed Australian workers a real incentive to work. We should first consider trying to find solutions to our unemployment problems here in Australia. Then and only then should we consider importing foreign workers into our Country. John Flanagan. Fairness in Child Support. THIRROUL _________________________________________ (BACKGOUND REFERENCE ONLY - NOT PART OF MY LETTER) The Melbourne Age BHP moves to recruit temporary workers February 1, 2007 - 5:59AM BHP has started talks with the federal government to recruit more than 200 overseas workers for its $2 billion Pilbara iron-ore expansion operation. The move comes as the mining company seeks to avert labour cost blow-outs that have recently hit resources companies due to a skills shortage. BHP Billiton needs 2,500 workers ahead of an expected 2010 start-up date, Fairfax reports. The company is likely to target trades such as welders, mechanical fitters and electricians from overseas. The plan, which is highly sensitive within BHP, reflects the growing popularity of the controversial section 457 visas in the mining industry. The federal government last year granted almost 40,000 temporary work visas, 3,000 of which were in the mining sector. ____________________________________________ Dirty Tricks in Family Law By Bettina Arndt Herald Sun - Monday 12 February 2007 Family courts have always been known for dirty tricks but recent stories to emerge from Britain show gutter tactics have reached new lows. A father recently appeared in a UK Family Court, representing himself in a custody dispute. He made his argument, quoting a judgment sent to him by a well-known fathers' support group. The opposing barrister pulled him up - claiming the case he'd mentioned had never appeared in the law reports. The father was made to look a fool and a con-man, with the angry judge warning he could face up to $20,000 in court costs. But when the source of the offending email quoting the forged case was finally traced, it turned out to have been sent by the wife's barrister - who is now scheduled for a court appearance for perverting the course of justice. Then there was the misleading 2004 document produced by a UK feminist support group for victims of violence - Women's Aid federation of England - which suggested that in the previous ten years 29 children had been killed by their fathers as a result of court-ordered contact arrangements. The so-called research made a huge media splash leading to the paper being used as ammunition by lawyers arguing against child contact with men with any history of violence. Well, now appeal judge Nicholas Wall has released a report investigating the real circumstances of those 29 tragic homicides. In eighteen of the cases, the families had nothing to do with the family court while in another eight cases court proceedings gave no forewarning of the violence. He found only three cases where which gave rise to concern but Wall concluded that even here the judges had good reason to allow contact from the evidence presented. Yes, we should be very concerned about the risks of violence to children of separated parents. However, it is disgraceful the way the violence card is played to try to frighten politicians and the public from making proper decisions about the care of children after divorce. Last year in Australia, amendments were made to family law to support children's rights to contact with both parents after divorce, changes which included extra protection for children from violence. Yet these welcome changes are under attack from women's groups afraid the new laws will undermine the license given to mothers to shut fathers out of childrens lives. The cries of alarm began long before the changes made it into law. Look at the National Council of Single Mothers and Their Children, which makes clear its position on the irrelevance of fathers with its insulting slogan! 'Half the couple, twice the parent'. NCSMC executive officer Elspeth McInnes' reaction to the legal changes was to express horror that this will mean 'more children will be required to live in two households and families fleeing violence will face new risks and penalties,' adding that 100 mothers and children are 'killed every year by partners and fathers around family breakdown.' Sound familiar? The Brit homicide tactic rides again. Many of the women's groups are very nervous about new Family Relationship Centres (FRCs) set up particularly to deal with children's matters. The government has rightly concluded that caring for children after divorce is a relationship issue, not a legal one and that the previous adversarial system was disastrous for children. But that legal system served the interests of the punitive mother very well since it failed so dismally to enforce contact orders and allowed allegations of violence to be used to deny fathers contact with their children. Remember the 1999 magistrate's survey which found 90% of magistrates believed false AVO's were used as a tactic in family law cases 'to deprive partners access to children' Be prepared for more dirty tricks as lobby groups do their best to discredit the FRCs - aided by nervous lawyers who rightly fear that if the centres are successful, fewer divorcing families will use lawyers to fight over children. In a local paper from Merimbula on NSW's South Coast, local lawyer Andrew Warren recently issued a dire warning that without legal advice parents could be persuaded by FRC workers to enter 'unacceptable parenting plans' with 'dramatic legal consequences.' That's one lawyer already feeling the pinch. back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God Charles Swindoll said, "Authentic men aren't afraid to show affection, release their feelings, hug their children, cry when they're sad, admit it when they're wrong, and ask for help when they need it. So help me be an authentic man like Tony Miller, who is brave enough to tell the world his failures, and in doing so grasps healing for himself, his son and a multitude of others. Father, We have all fallen short of your loving example. Help us to embrace the truth and in doing so bring healing to our hearts. Help us forgive the unforgivable, because in giving grace we receive grace. In healing others we are healed ourselves: Lord help us forgive others as you forgive us. back to top Help Us Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_1597E_01C75A88.96D74190 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
Unable to read this email? Please click here
Issue 236 - 26 th February, 2007 Go to our website Here


Hello Alison

In this week's Single Dad's article Tony Miller continues his story about his trip through Europe. This week is about his visit to Birkenau Concentration Camp in Poland. Don't read it unless you wish to be moved.

 

Tony's article last week hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? Just a simple story of a dad with his son on a train journey through Europe, the same train line used by the Germans to transport their victims to the gas chambers in Birkenau. Why is it so moving and what is its relevance to our journey. How does Tony's story help us to do the journey of being a dad better?

 

Firstly, the level of self-disclosure that Tony engages in is almost too much for the average bloke. Tony tells us the truth about how he is feeling and trying to cope. He is trying to reconnect with his son after many years of 'not connecting' and he is finding it very difficult. Being a dad is difficult for all of us at times.  I was recently sharing with one of the teachers at my daughter's school how my 14 year old daughter sometimes doesn't want to be seen with me. She doesn't like to hug in public and at times deliberately distances herself from me. He just smiled and said, "Isn't she over the teenage hump yet?" I replied, "Whatever it is, I hope she gets over the 'hump' soon as it is ruining my ego. It's worse for me because I'm supposed to be running the Fatherhood Foundation and have a 'really together' family!"

 

We all experience difficulties with our children. Tim Hansel says, "It takes time to be a good father. It takes effort - trying, failing and trying again." C D Williams said, "You don't need to be right all the time. Your child wants a man for a father, not a formula. He wants real parents, real people, capable of making mistakes without moping about."

 

Our children want us to be real more than anything else. In many ways many of the feminists have a point about patriarchy being the root cause of much of the wrong in the world today. In the old days dad was always right even when he was wrong. This attitude gave patriarchy a bad name and produced enumerable hurts, disappointments and betrayals. Most lesbian women have been betrayed or neglected by the patriarch of their life. If you are a regular reader of this newsletter you will know that fatherlessness is associated with a long list of social problems: increased criminal activities, drug addiction, sexual abuse, increased levels of poverty, lower educational performance, increased mental problems etc.

 

The good news is that when fathers become real and admit their faults, even to their own children, healing can come. It's very hard to be healed unless we first admit we are ill. This leads me to my next point:

 

Secondly, as fathers we must admit our weaknesses in order to open the door for forgiveness, not only for ourselves but for others. Forgiveness is a profound ability that is in desperately short supply.

 

As Tony Miller said last week in the Single Dad's article:

 

Anyway, I am just a dad trying to impart a lesson, something I guess to leave behind me. I am just a dad, and dads should show their young the way. I haven't been a great example in the past, maybe I can make up some time on this trip. Only the future knows. Tomorrow we head for Auschwitz, Birkenau, and it is there I wish to pay my respects to those who went through its gates and those who didn't make it. It is also where I want to find forgiveness in my heart for those who perpetrated those terrible crimes. Sounds strange doesn't it? But that's also the lesson I wish to impart to my boy. Forgiveness, often it's a very hard ask, none-the-less, you cannot move forward unless you can find it.

 

Lovework

 

Do you want to move forward?

 

Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive those who hate you. Forgive those who have betrayed you.

 

Start with your family members and gradually work out. Then teach the process of forgiveness to your children. If you do you will find the journey lighter and easier. Why carry someone else's sins? If you're anything like me you have enough of your own to carry.

 

Yours for more forgiveness

Warwick Marsh

 

PS. Please consider attending the National Solemn Assembly to pray for an end to the drought in Australia. Just for the record, one of the key themes at this gathering will be releasing forgiveness and being forgiven on behalf of the nation. Healing comes to a nation by the same process. Currently I am one of a few faces on a national TV advert encouraging people to come to Canberra for the National Solemn Assembly, 9-11 March, 2007. More details in the News & Info section.

 

 ___________________________________________________________


Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

back to top

Grandads

Wisdom from a Sage

by Neil E Ryan

 

'In the last decade of my working life I went through 4 divorces.'

 

This statement sure grabs attention. 'Not you! They say.' No! not I.

 

However, four men in their late 30's to early 40's all confided in me concerning the trauma they experienced resulting from the 'breakdown of their marriages'.

 

In passing, let us try to avoid this latter expression. It is not marriages that break down but the relationship between the couple in the marriage. But to blame ourselves is not the fashion of the age.

 

Each of these men endured great financial hardship but most of all, emotional trauma and dramatic character changes. In two cases they were also shattered by the untimely tragic death of teenage children. Only in one case was suicide confirmed. This young man could not come to grips with his mother experimenting with lesbian relationships.

 

Sharing unofficial counselling periods with each of these men I soon discovered one common factor which contributed to the breakdown of their relationship with their respective spouses.

They each came to recognise that they failed to demonstrate affection toward their wives. They were quite proud of their ability to provide materially, but finally agreed that they were incapable of expressing affection; also called an ability to cherish. The fundamental cause seemingly was that in their own upbringing their own fathers failed to express love and acceptance of them and in fact their own fathers, failed to show affection to their mothers.

 

This is but a brief outline of four sad stories. During the course of our counselling I was able to encourage each to learn from, and forgive, the failures shown by their own fathers. This was indeed a turning point for each as they also forgave themselves. They each remained separated from their wives but developed a new appreciation of the fundamental 'glue' of marital relationship.

 

Now I am totally convinced that the greatest gift any father can give to his children is the demonstration of affection and love they SHOW toward their children's mother.

 

Neil E. Ryan

 

back to top

Laughter

 

 

 

 

 

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

 

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

back to top

Single Dads

Birkenau

By Tony Miller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

I am standing in mud, staring through a barbed wire fence into Birkenau Concentration camp. I can hear the voices of numerous tour operators describing in a myriad of languages, what happened here to their clients.

 

I felt sick and moved away to a quieter position. Everywhere I had visited here, the tourists looked like a nest of hungry birds waiting to be fed by their mother the gruesome details of what had happened.

 

Was I any different? No, not really. I had heard all the stories, read lots of books, watched many docos and movies on the subject. But nothing, nothing really prepares you to be standing right there. I and my son had followed earlier in line with the rest, marching from one building to the next, listening to our Polish tour guide roll out the numbers and the gruesome details as if she had spoken them so many times they no longer meant anything to her. I became more interested in her then what she spoke, and found myself listening but also looking for signs of life from her. Was it just that she had spoken about the atrocities that occurred here so often that it now meant nothing to her, or was it that she felt disgust at us, the tourists, hanging off every gruesome detail that was spoken, happily snapping away our cameras to record our gory trip? Each of us wanting to take home some sort of trophy to show our friends or family.

 

Her voice became sort of melodic with no expression or feeling. Until we came to one particular room where she said her grandmother had been an inmate here, it was there that I felt her pain, just softly, but I caught it in her eyes. Many people in Poland do work that we would find repugnant in Australia. Life is tough here and you take what you can. Most work long hours for little money. It is about survival, not so much choice. I wondered, did she enjoy her job? Or was it something she had to endure, or maybe like me she was trying to pass a memory on.

 

Besides all this I saw many people visibly shaken, some wiped tears from their eyes as we filed pass whole rooms filled with human hair shaved from the heads of men, women and children and used to make blankets etc, rooms full of suitcases, glasses, children's clothes etc and one filled with shoes. I turned to my son and said each pair represents a life lost here. Many of us made the sign of the cross as we passed these.

 

As I stood there on my own, staring through this barbed wire fence, I prayed, simply asking the Lord to never let this happen again and to imprint this lesson in my son's heart and mind. I had pulled my son aside earlier and said to him that long after I am gone, I hope you remember this day, and I want you to tell your children of this terrible place and of what you have seen here today. Tell them it was their grandfather's wish that this should not be forgotten, so that this never happens again... man's inhumanity to man... But please, please teach them also about forgiveness, for if you cannot forgive you cannot move forward. It will eventually eat you from the inside out. It is like a sore that never heals. Please pass this lesson from me to them.

 

My lesson had a two-fold meaning. Secretly I had hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive a father who wasn't much of a father in his youth. I trust in GOD to deliver that lesson when HE is ready. My son and I did the tour mostly in silence. He took no photos. He spoke few words. The surroundings said it all, there was no need for words, no need for photos. It will forever be imprinted in our memories.

 

Just before leaving as I stood before this barbed wire fence surrounding the camp staring at the railway line, which was used to transport these poor souls to this terrible place, I turned and made the sign of the cross one last time. In the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Spirit, please forgive us.

 

 

Tony Miller Founder Dads in Distress

www.dadsindistress.asn.au  

back to top

Special Feature

 

Watching You

A song by country music performer Rodney Atkins has been number 1 for four weeks now, and it carries a powerful message for dads. Atkins, 37, wrote it after a sobering experience when his son, Elijah, repeated some behavior he'd seen in his dad. See how Atkins told the story in the video for his song, 'Watching You.'

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqYUns2YQik

 

Occasionally we catch glimpses of our children imitating our behavior. It can be very cute, or it can be a staggering, frightening experience. A toddler tries to do push-ups on the living room floor, just like his dad. He grabs his plastic razor and strains to see the mirror as his dad is shaving. Then, they are in the car together, caught in a traffic jam, and the boy shouts, 'Move it, people!..or something worse.

Older children will be less obvious, and it may take longer before we see them copying us, but the imitation is just as real. Only now, the stakes are higher: they're making moral choices, forming lasting relationships, perhaps dating, driving, and making decisions about what they want to pursue in life.

Modeling is where our true influence as fathers shows up, because important values are caught more than they are taught. Children learn more from w atching our lives than from listening to what we say. Each day, in hundreds of ways, we communicate to our kids, 'Follow me.'

This presents both a dilemma and an opportunity. It's a dilemma because our children will use our lives as reference points, for better or worse, by design or by default. It's also an opportunity to be intentional about demonstrating for our children what a responsible, calm, caring, self-sacrificing father is like.

WHAT TO MODEL - Part 1

Emotional Maturity

Ron was in the back yard, cranking on his fourteen-year-old lawn mower. After so many years and so many repairs, the old beast just wouldn't start. Ron's frustration mounted. After cranking and cranking for several more minutes, Ron accidentally brushed his hand against the pull cord, which was so hot it burned him. In his fru stration, he gave the mower a swift kick.

As he stood there stewing in emotion, he heard someone behind him. There was his two-year-old son, pushing his plastic lawn mower. Sure enough, the boy reared back and kicked that little mower, just like his dad.

Emotional maturity is among the most important qualities in life, and your children, especially your sons, learn by watching you. Too many dads hide their emotions, perhaps thinking they are a sign of weakness. If they do show an emotion, it's usually anger. Maybe they were raised in homes where feelings were rarely discussed, certain topics were forbidden, and family members rarely said 'I'm sorry? or 'I love you.'

But we need to learn to express emotions in healthy ways-whether we cry over a loss, maintain control during frustrations, or celebrate an achievement. Our kids need to see that vital part of who we are. And even when we lose control emotionally, those can be positive times if we take time to go to our children, confess that we were wrong, apologize, and talk about better ways to handle emotions.

Respect for Women

Mark is a young father who learned a valuable lesson about the powerful impact his words and actions have on his child. One day, a ten-year-old neighbor boy told Mark that he had a new girlfriend. What was Mark's next question? That's right: 'Is she pretty'? It seemed harmless at first, but as Mark thought about it, he realized that in that brief conversation he had classified the girl's appearance as more important than a dozen character traits that actually have much higher value.

Sons get most of their ideas about relating to women from their dads. With that in mind, ask yourself: What am I demonstrating for my son? You don't want him to value women only for their appearance, but are your words and actions contradicting that? Even at a very young age, your son will soak up your habits.

Sometimes boys show disrespect for women in other ways: they may manipulate their mothers, rebel against their teachers, and be very insensitive to their sisters. They may 'play hardball' to get their way. So, teaching a son to respect women includes doing what's necessary to help him control his aggressiveness. He needs to know that Dad plays hardball, too - not with physical or verbal abuse, but with a firm resolve to confront him and hold him accountable for his disrespect.

We dads must demonstrate and defend the notion that women are to be valued for their fascinating character, their integrity, and the feminine traits that complement our masculine approach.

With a daughter, try thinking of your modeling as training to help her spot counterfeits. A good way to teach people to spot counterfeit bills is to make them very familiar with the real thing. If they have a detailed awareness of the authentic, they ar e able to spot a counterfeit right away.

As a father, it's your responsibility to be that 'real thing' as your daughter learns to relate to boys. Even as a young girl, she's trying to figure out men, and you're her closest and best example of one. What's appropriate? How will men respond when she flirts for attention? As her father, you play a large role in showing her what a proper, respectful response sounds and feels like. Without that model, she may not know what to expect from men. She may not be able to see through the irresponsible, insensitive, dishonest men she meets along the way.

She needs lots of your attention, affirmation, and healthy physical affection. But make it clear that she has won your heart because she is a fascinating and worthwhile person. Show her that there are men who are consistent, trustworthy, and sensitive to her needs.

Integrity

As fa thers, we're always on camera. Our children's movie cameras capture scenes and sounds that they replay and relive again and again. With our character and integrity, we can never yell, 'Cut!' and do it over.

We can't hide the truth from our families, and that should put some pressure on us. Our 'walk' needs to be consistent with our 'talk.' We need to be careful about keeping our promises. If we teach our children to value honesty, can we ask them to tell someone on the phone that we aren't there? If we work to instill a respect for authority, is that consistent with the radar detector on the dashboard? If we lament the rise in teenage pregnancies and preach abstinence, can we still watch the popular TV show where premarital sex is expected and even cheered? Can we tell our children to respect their elders and then bad-mouth our in-laws? Modeling integrity is a full-time, lifelong job.

Dad, what are you modeling for your kids-through your action or inaction? M aybe a better question is, Are you willing to make permanent lifestyle changes to make sure you're sending a consistent message? Is it too much to ask you to give up your favorite TV show or get rid of the radar detector?

These may not seem like big issues now, but realize that your modeling lasts many years for your child. Someday your son or daughter will be faced with important life decisions. How can he defend truth if he hasn't seen truth in action? When your daughter is confronted with some wild philosophy at college, will she think, 'What would my dad do?' and make a wise choice! Or, will she think, 'Well, dad said this, but he usually did something else?'

Disciplining our children is another common test in this area. We want to produce self-disciplined, confident people who make wise choices, take responsibility for their actions, and proactively work to fix their problems. But often, our own methods work against that goal. We may explode at our kids for not having self-control, or yell at them for not being respectful. A big part of disciplining children is demonstrating the behavior we expect from them-showing them that the right way is more worthwhile and fulfilling than the alternatives.

Our inconsistency plants seeds of confusion and exasperation in our children. They are depending on us to be models of integrity.

Next week - How to Model


Ken Canfield

_______________________________________________________

Ken was Past President and Founder of the National Center for Fathering www.fathers.com

back to top

Thought of the Week

 

 

Father forgive

 them for

they know

 not what

they do.

 

Jesus - Luke 23:24

www.biblesociety.com.au

 

 

 

 

 

back to top

All You Need is Love

 

IT'S TIME FOR A MARRIAGE CHECKUP

by Borden Black

Feb. 13, 2007    Ledger-Enquirer, Columbus Georgia

 

You change the oil in your car every 3,000 to 5,000 miles and you have regular dental checkups; but how often do you evaluate or "check on" your marriage?

 

Licensed marriage and family therapist Mary Ellen Connett contends not often enough. "If you don't water a plant, it will die," she points out. "The same is true for marriage. There are serious consequences for neglecting a relationship."

 

In the early 1990s, The Georgia Association of Marriage and Family Therapy recommended couples get an annual marriage check-up. Connett is suggesting that Valentine's Day is a good time to do that. (Editor's Note: or set aside time around your anniversary to have a marriage check-up)

 

"What better way to express your love and concern?" she asks.

 

University of Washington researchers found they could predict if a couple would stay together based on a number of indicators. The project, conducted by professor emeritus John Gottman, Ph.D., followed couples over a 7 to 9 year period and could predict with 87 percent accuracy, which marriages would stay together, and which ones would dissolve.

 

Gottman has developed indicators of why marriages succeed or fail that Connett subscribes to. One of the most important she believes is the "rule of five."

 

"It takes five positive interactions to counteract the damage of one negative interaction, such as blame or criticism," she relates.

 

There are many ways to show positivity according to Gottman. They include: showing interest, being affectionate, showing you care, being appreciative, showing concern, being empathetic and being accepting.

 

While the balance between negativity and positivity seems to be one of the main factors in a successful marriage, there are also four predictors for failure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, or the complete cut-off of the other person.

 

Gottman writes in his book "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," that long-term marriages contain an abundance of love and respect. Connett suggests a self-quiz that can help you determine if these fundamentals are present in your relationship.

 

TAKE THE QUIZ: IS THERE ENOUGH LOVE

 AND RESPECT IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

 

The following quiz developed by John Gottman and adapted by Mary Ellen Connett, is to be taken by you and your spouse. Answer "yes" or "no" to each statement based on whether you mostly agree or disagree.

 

1. My spouse seeks out my opinions. 

2. My spouse cares about my feelings.

3. We are affectionate toward one another. 

4. We listen to each other. 

5. What I say counts.

6. I love spending time with my partner.

7. We are very good friends.

8. My spouse finds me physically attractive. 

9. I feel included in my partner's life.

10. We touch each other a lot.

11. We respect each other's ideas.

12. Even during tough times we can be empathetic.

 

Scoring: If you checked "yes" to fewer than 4 items, then you may not feel enough love and respect in your marriage and you may want to seek a check up.

 

Professionals point out that the average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems; so they often live with unhappiness for far too long.

 

Connett says marital relationships can definitely improve. She likens it to an illness; if the problems are ignored, they will get worse. If both partners are committed, they can work towards changing their relationship for the better.

back to top

News & Info

HEART DISEASE FACTS

Cardiovascular disease (CVD) is the term used for heart, stroke and blood vessel diseases. 

 

CVD is the leading cause of death in Australia, accounting for 38% of all deaths in 2002; claiming the lives of more than one in three Australians.

 

CVD is Australia's largest health problem. Despite improvements over the last few decades, the health and economic burden of CVD exceeds that of any other disease. 

 

Coronary heart disease is the greatest single cause of death among Australians and stroke is the second largest.

 

HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

'Stress' and Coronary Heart Disease

 

People often ask if there is a link between 'stress' and heart disease. The term 'stress' has no exact meaning, so it is difficult to measure its effect on heart disease. However it has recently been shown that people who experience depression, are socially isolated or do not have quality social support are at greater risk of developing coronary heart disease.

 

From the Heart Foundation

www.heartfoundation.com.au  

_______________________________________________________

 

Letters

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation,

Child Support reform may reduce unemployment.

Why does BHP Billiton propose to import 2,500 foreign workers for its $2 billion Pilbara expansion?

Is it because Australians are not interested? Is it because there is a skills shortage? Or is it because of some other reason?

One of these reasons could be the Australian Government?s Child Support Scheme. It is a bureaucratic nightmare. In 2005, at least 294,887 liable parents for child support were forced in either unemployed or into below-taxable income levels. This is 40.5 per cent of the total number of liable parents. The situation has not changed since that time.

Prior to 1989, the level of child support had been determined in Australia on a case-by-case basis. In 1989, Australia adopted the US's Wisconsin's child support guidelines. They were designed for low-income families. They were formula-driven and were based on the separated parents' incomes. They were meant to result in in come sharing between custodial parents and the non-custodial parent, who had low incomes.

Perhaps as a result of a political agenda at the time, this bureaucratic formula approach was then applied in Australia to both welfare and non-welfare recipients.  Both low and high-income earners were hit hard by this new Scheme.

As a result, the Child Support Scheme now only delivers an average weekly amount of $41.39 to children of separated families. This is substantially less than the $48.64 they received prior to the establishment of the Scheme (all based at 2005 figures). This is despite rigid policing by the Child Support Agency.

Real change to our child support legislation would give many unemployed Australian workers a real incentive to work. We should first consider trying to find solutions to our unemployment problems here in Australia.

Then and only then should we consider importing foreign workers into our Country.

John Flanagan.Fairness in Child Support.
THIRROUL

_________________________________________

(BACKGOUND REFERENCE ONLY - NOT PART OF MY LETTER)

The Melbourne Age

BHP moves to recruit temporary workers

February 1, 2007 - 5:59AM

BHP has started talks with the federal government to recruit more than 200 overseas workers for its $2 billion Pilbara iron-ore expansion operation.

The move comes as the mining company seeks to avert labour cost blow-outs that have recently hit resources companies due to a skills shortage.

BHP Billiton needs 2,500 workers ahead of an expected 2010 start-up date, Fairfax reports.

The company is likely to target trades such as welders, mechanical fitters and electricians from overseas.

The plan, which is highly sensitive within BHP, reflects the growing popularity of the controversial section 457 visas in the mining industry.

The federal government last year granted almost 40,000 temporary work visas, 3,000 of which were in the mining sector.
____________________________________________

Dirty Tricks in Family Law

By Bettina Arndt

Herald Sun - Monday 12 February 2007

 

 Family courts have always been known for dirty tricks but recent stories to emerge from Britain show gutter tactics have reached new lows. A father recently appeared in a UK Family Court, representing himself in a custody dispute. He made his argument, quoting a judgment sent to him by a well-known fathers' support group. The opposing barrister pulled him up - claiming the case he'd mentioned had never appeared in the law reports. The father was made to look a fool and a con-man, with the angry judge warning he could face up to $20,000 in court costs. But when the source of the offending email quoting the forged case was finally traced, it turned out to have been sent by the wife's barrister - who is now scheduled for a court appearance for perverting the course of justice.

 

Then there was the misleading 2004 document produced by a UK feminist support group for victims of violence - Women's Aid federation of England - which suggested that in the previous ten years 29 children had been killed by their fathers as a result of court-ordered contact arrangements. The so-called research made a huge media splash leading to the paper being used as ammunition by lawyers arguing against child contact with men with any history of violence. Well, now appeal judge Nicholas Wall has released a report investigating the real circumstances of those 29 tragic homicides. In eighteen of the cases, the families had nothing to do with the family court while in another eight cases court proceedings gave no forewarning of the violence. He found only three cases where which gave rise to concern but Wall concluded that even here the judges had good reason to allow contact from the evidence pr esented.

 

Yes, we should be very concerned about the risks of violence to children of separated parents. However, it is disgraceful the way the violence card is played to try to frighten politicians and the public from making proper decisions about the care of children after divorce. Last year in Australia, amendments were made to family law to support children's rights to contact with both parents after divorce, changes which included extra protection for children from violence.

 

Yet these welcome changes are under attack from women's groups afraid the new laws will undermine the license given to mothers to shut fathers out of childrens lives. The cries of alarm began long before the changes made it into law. Look at the National Council of Single Mothers and Their Children, which makes clear its position on the irrelevance of fathers with its insulting slogan! 'Half the couple, twice the parent'. NCSMC executive officer Elspeth McInnes' reaction to the legal changes was to express horror that this will mean 'more children will be required to live in two households and families fleeing violence will face new risks and penalties,' adding that 100 mothers and children are 'killed every year by partners and fathers around family breakdown.' Sound familiar? The Brit homicide tactic rides again.

 

 Many of the women's groups are very nervous about new Family Relationship Centres (FRCs) set up particularly to deal with children's matters. The government has rightly concluded that caring for children after divorce is a relationship issue, not a legal one and that the previous adversarial system was disastrous for children. But that legal system served the interests of the punitive mother very well since it failed so dismally to enforce contact orders and allowed allegations of violence to be used to deny fathers contact with their children. Remember the 1999 magistrate's survey which found 90% of magistrates believed false AVO's were used as a tactic in family law cases 'to deprive partners access to children'

 

Be prepared for more dirty tricks as lobby groups do their best to discredit the FRCs - aided by nervous lawyers who rightly fear that if the centres are successful, fewer divorcing families will use lawyers to fight over children. In a local paper from Merimbula on NSW's South Coast, local lawyer Andrew Warren recently issued a dire warning that without legal advice parents could be persuaded by FRC workers to enter 'unacceptable parenting plans' with 'dramatic legal consequences.' That's one lawyer already feeling the pinch.

back to top

Dad's Prayer

 

Dear God

 

Charles Swindoll said,

"Authentic men aren't afraid to show affection,

release their feelings,

hug their children,

cry when they're sad,

admit it when they're wrong,

and ask for help when they need it.

 

So help me be an authentic man

like Tony Miller,

who is brave enough to tell the world

his failures, and in doing so

grasps healing for himself, his son

and a multitude of others.

 

Father,

We have all fallen short of your loving example.

Help us to embrace the truth

and in doing so bring healing to our hearts.

Help us forgive the unforgivable,

because in giving grace we receive grace.

In healing others we are healed ourselves:

Lord help us forgive others as you forgive us.

 

back to top

Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend.  If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading.

back to top


------=_NextPart_000_1597E_01C75A88.96D74190--